If you struggle to say no at work or often feel overlooked, you may be using passive communication without realizing it.
For instance, your colleague asks you to help complete a report. A passive communicator would respond, "Oh, okay, no problem." The result is that you take on the work, feel resentful inside, work late into the night, and feel dissatisfied with your colleague. Your colleague may not realize these inconveniences and will likely repeat the behavior.
This article focuses on passive communication and will be helpful for people who don’t know how to deal with it.
What Is Passive Communication
Passive communication is a way of communicating where you prioritize others' needs and thoughts at the expense of your own. Passive communicators usually avoid directly expressing their feelings, opinions, and expectations, and may not even be aware that they have the right to do so.
Signs of Passive Communication
People who communicate passively often show these traits:
- Being afraid to express needs and thoughts, and tending to remain silent in most cases.
- Showing insecure body language
Avoiding eye contact
Hunching the body, reducing one's presence
Speaking softly and hesitantly
Frequently shrugging the shoulders
- Frequently using vague or apologetic language:
"It doesn't matter, I'm fine with anything." (even when there is a strong preference)
"Maybe I'm wrong, but..."
"If you don't mind..."
"Sorry to bother you..." (over-apologizing even before making a reasonable request)
- Having difficulty saying "no" and reluctantly agreeing even when the other's request is unreasonable.
- Due to long-term suppression of needs and feelings, they build up anger and resentment over time, which may sometimes show up indirectly through intentional delays, forgetting promises, sulking, etc.
Why People Become Passive Communicators
Passive communication habits usually stem from:
- Believing oneself unworthy of making demands or that one's needs are unimportant.
- Extreme fear of rejection, criticism, or causing arguments.
- Growing up in a repressive, high-pressure family where expressing different opinions is punished.
- In some cultures, collective harmony is prioritized over individual needs.
Real-Life Examples of Passive Communication
Passive communication is very common in our daily lives, especially in situations where we feel stressed, there is an imbalance of power, or we want to maintain superficial harmony.
Here are some specific examples in different scenarios to help you more clearly identify passive communication:
Example One: Social Gathering with Friends
Situation: Your friends are discussing where to go for dinner that night, and someone suggests a spicy restaurant that you really dislike.
Passive Communication: You are very reluctant inside, but you say, "I'm fine with anything. It's up to you guys." Then you have an unpleasant dinner throughout the night.
Inner Monologue: "I really don't want to go, but if I say so, will everyone think I'm a party pooper? Forget it, I'll just endure it."
Example Two: In the Workplace with Colleagues or Supervisors
Situation: You did most of the work and came up with the main idea for a project, but during the presentation, your colleague talked on and on as if it were all his achievement.
Passive Communication: You sat there, biting your lip, and said nothing.
Inner Monologue: "How infuriating! But if I speak up now to argue, won't it make me seem petty?"
Example Three: In Family and Intimate Relationships
Situation: It's the weekend, and you want to go watch a movie, but your partner wants to stay at home.
Passive Communication: You say, "Fine, let's stay at home then," but you spend the whole weekend looking listless and unhappy.
Inner Monologue: "Why do I always have to give in to him/her? Can't he/she give in to me once in a while?"
Example Four: Customer Service and Hospitality Settings
Situation: In a restaurant, the waiter brings you the wrong dish, or the dish is undercooked.
Passive Communication: You whisper to your friend, "This is not what we ordered at all." But when the waiter comes over and asks, "Is everything okay?" you smile and say, "Yes, it's fine, thank you."
Inner Monologue: "It's so embarrassing to stop him. What if he has a bad attitude? Better to avoid trouble and just let it go."
Passive communication attempts to maintain peace by avoiding direct communication, but in reality, it creates hidden tensions in relationships, ultimately damaging self-esteem and the health of the relationship.
Consequences of Passive Communication
Although it may seem to avoid conflicts in the short term, passive communication can have serious negative effects in the long run:
For Individuals
- Long-term suppression of emotions can lead to mental health problems, possibly causing you to become anxious and depressed.
- Others cannot understand your true thoughts, and relationships remain superficial, making it impossible to build healthy interpersonal relationships.
- Every time you give up expressing yourself, it is a denial of your self-worth. Gradually, you will lose your self-esteem, confidence, and even your sense of identity.
- Taking on too much responsibility that is not yours can lead to physical and mental exhaustion.
On Interpersonal Relationships
- You resent others for not understanding you, while they might think you have no backbone or that you are willing to do it because you never say no, thus feeling justified in pushing work onto you.
- Without effective communication, problems won't be truly resolved; instead, they will accumulate, leading to a decrease in work efficiency.
- Your inability to say no may encourage others to overstep your boundaries, and they will habitually ignore your feelings and needs.
Passive communication requires you to suppress your own needs. Recognizing its existence and harm is the first step towards a healthier and more equal communication relationship.
It may maintain short-term peace, but it often creates long-term tension and conflict. We should shift away from passive communication and practice assertiveness instead, expressing ourselves firmly and confidently.
Assertive Communication: The Best Alternative
How can we reject passive communication and move from passivity to firmness? Our goal is not to become aggressive but to learn to communicate with firmness and confidence. This healthy communication style helps you express your feelings, needs, and boundaries clearly and respectfully.
Main Characteristics and Manifestations
A person who communicates assertively typically exhibits the following traits:
- Calm and confident body language:
Maintain an open and upright posture.
Maintain steady eye contact.
Speak with a steady tone and moderate volume.
Facial expressions are consistent with what is being expressed.
- Clear and direct language:
Use "I" statements, such as: "I feel...," "I think...," "I need..."。
Be specific and clear in your speech, avoiding ambiguity.
Be able to say "no" directly and politely.
- Be a good listener:
Truly focus on understanding the other person's point of view instead of just thinking about how to refute it.
Show that you are listening through nods, repetition, etc.
- Respect boundaries:
Know where your boundaries lie and be able to communicate them clearly.
Also, respect the boundaries set by others.
- Be willing to seek win-win solutions:
Be willing to cooperate and compromise, but not at the expense of your core needs and principles.
Steps to Become More Assertive
Step 1: Acknowledge Your Self-worth
Firmly believe that your feelings, thoughts, and needs are as important as those of others. You have the right to express yourself. Frequently remind yourself: "I have the right to set boundaries," "My opinions are worth being heard."
Step 2: Distinguish Between "Needs" and "Demands"
What you need is to be respected, have personal time, and be treated fairly. This is reasonable. What you demand might be that others must act in your way. This is not always reasonable.
Firm and confident communication is about expressing your "needs" and negotiating how to meet them, rather than imposing "demands".
Step 3: View Conflicts As "Collaboration" Rather than "Confrontation"
View difficult conversations as an opportunity to solve problems together and deepen mutual understanding, rather than a life-and-death battle.
Step 4: Learn to Say "No" Clearly and Politely
Formula: Affirmation/Thank you + Clear refusal + Brief reason (optional) + Alternative solution (optional)
Step 5: Cultivate Positive Non-verbal Communication
Your body language can either reinforce or undermine your words.
Step 6: Start Practicing with Small Things
Step 7: Continuous Self-reflection and Improvement
After each confident and assertive communication, regardless of whether you feel it was successful or not, take some time to reflect: What went well? What can be improved next time?
Step 8: Reward yourself
Reward small steps to reinforce positive behavior.
The goal of assertive communication is not to “win,” but to build respectful, balanced relationships. You deserve to be heard and respected.
Passive vs Aggressive vs Assertive Communication
Let's use the same scene to compare three communication styles:
Situation: A colleague once again asks you to help him finish a report at the last minute.
Passive communication: "Oh ... OK, no problem. (Heart: God, I can't finish my own work! ）”
Result: You become angry and work overtime, while your colleagues remain unaware of your situation, and the problem keeps recurring.
Aggressive communication: "You do this every time! Don't drag others down if you are lazy. I am not your nanny! "
Results: Colleagues felt humiliated, their relationship broke down, and the workplace atmosphere became tense.
Assertive communication: "I understand that your report is urgent, but I have to finish my own project this afternoon, so I can't help you with the whole report. However, can I check the data for you, or can we go through the first draft together tomorrow morning? "
Results: You clearly set the boundaries (unable to take over) and provided limited help or alternatives. It not only safeguarded its own interests but also maintained its professional relationship.
Assertive communication is essential because it respects both your needs and others.
Assertive Communication Skills (With Examples)
Assertive communication is not an innate talent, but a skill that can be mastered through practice. Here are several practical strategies you can start using today.
- Use the "I" statement:
This is one of the most important techniques. Its formula is: "When (the situation) happens, I feel (feel) because I (need/think). I hope (specific request). "
Example: "When I was late for the meeting, I felt disrespected because it disrupted everyone's rhythm. I hope we can all try to start on time. "
- Learn to say "no":
When saying "no", you can be polite and firm. There is no need to apologize excessively or make up lengthy excuses.
Example: "Thank you for thinking of me (for sure), but I can't take over this task (for refusing) because my current job is full (for reasons). Maybe you can ask Alex? (alternative)."
- Keep calm:
Even in stressful conversations, try to keep a steady tone and a calm attitude. Deep breathing can help you do this.
- Empathy:
Try to understand the other person's situation before expressing yourself, which will make your language sound fairer rather than selfish.
Example: "I know that your project is very stressful (empathy), but frequent discussions with me at night affect my rest." Can we communicate at a fixed time every morning? "
Of course, in addition to these expressive tips, you can also use some AI presentation maker, such as Smallppt.
For some urgent tasks that need to make slides, Smallppt can calm your anxiety and quickly help you generate professional and exquisite slides, which greatly improves work efficiency, so that everyone can finish their work in time without having to work overtime.
FAQs About Passive and Assertive Communication
Q1: What is passive communication?
Passive communication means putting others’ needs ahead of your own and avoiding expressing your true feelings. And it tries to keep the peace by avoiding direct communication,
Q2: What are the consequences of passive communication?
It may cause anxiety, shallow relationships, lowered self-worth, and unresolved problems.
Q3: Why is assertive communication better than passive communication and aggressive communication?
Passive communication is to wrong oneself, aggressive communication is to suppress others, and assertive communication is the correct way of communication: respect others as well as yourself.
Q4: How do I stop being passive at work?
Start by acknowledging your own self-worth and learn to say "no" clearly and politely; Cultivate positive nonverbal communication; Practice from small things.
